Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
