I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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