He disabled his match.com account in front of me
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
