I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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