Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
