im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Panties = found
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
