mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
