I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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