Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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