I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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