So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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