Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
