Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
