Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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