I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
