Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I want her autograph on my taint
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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