I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
