he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize