the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
