i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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