Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
