Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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