plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
