I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
