i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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