i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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