I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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