I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
