I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
