You're my little dorito
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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