3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
there's paper in my vomit.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
