If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
