You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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