You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
