he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize