I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
