Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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