We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
