I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
