My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
