life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
