I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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