I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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