My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
