some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
