I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
