Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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