she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
