Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
