theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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