birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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