She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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