There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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