And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
