just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
