There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
from now on my penis is your penis
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
