what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
