I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
NoShamevember. You game?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I would fuck him just for his dog
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
