Yo dont text me then not text me
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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