lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
