i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I'm really busy with my period
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