insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
