its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
